Lang’s World: Some TV I’d Like to See
Lang WhitakerFor the last few months, as we’ve been confined to the house, I’ve watched a lot of TV. Not during the day, when I’m trying to balance my job and being a Dad to a kid who has nowhere to go and nothing to do, but usually late at night, when everyone’s asleep and the house is quiet. That’s when I turn on and tune in, and even though I have literally hundreds of channels at my disposal, there are so many nights when I can’t find anything I want to settle in and watch for a few hours.
So, I’ve been thinking of other channels I’d like to see. One day when I can program my own cable system, these are some of the channels I’ll be adding…
The Biggest Losers – As a lifelong fan of the Atlanta Falcons, I found myself enjoying watching Tom Brady shank ball after ball into the rough on The Match 2. Because let’s be honest: We don’t get to see Tom Brady screw up all that often. Tom Brady is one of the GOATs. (And yeah, we can all admit this, even those of us who dislike him because he led the Patriots to a Super Bowl comeback from down 25 against their team.)
The same goes for all the greats — Jeter, Jordan, Gretzky, Tiger, Serena — who each at some point have destroyed the various teams or athletes that we root for. For the most part, we’ve only gotten to see them win. They represent success and greatness, and they’ve achieved those benchmarks at our expense. We respect all them, which doesn’t mean we have to likem.
So I propose a channel called “The Biggest Losers,” where we are treated to a continuous stream of classic broadcasts of the greatest athletes enduring their biggest losses. I don’t know if there would be enough content to make this a full-time channel, so maybe this is just a week on ESPN or something. Either way, everyone loves a little schadenfreude.
Hanksvision – Tom Hanks is perhaps America’s most beloved living actor. When “Saturday Night Live” returned from COVID-19 hiatus, it was Hanks they chose to open the show, a comforting face in a time when the country needed it the most. I mean, who else could have played Mr. Rogers but Tom Hanks?
I’d like to watch Hanksvision. This channel will feature all the movies of the beloved Tom Hanks, from “Cast Away” to “You’ve Got Mail,” from “Sleepless in Seattle” to “Big,” from “Philadelphia” to “Splash.” Daytimes will feature some of his television work, including “Bosom Buddies” and “SNL.” Bonus idea: Each year there can be a charity fundraiser called Hanksgiving.
The How-To Channel – One of the greatest things about YouTube is how you can learn how to do pretty much anything. Need to fix a dripping faucet? Look it up on YouTube! Need to debone a chicken? Use jumper cables? Prune a rose bush? You can learn how to do pretty much anything on the internet, so why shouldn’t you be able to do the same on television?
Whenever you tune into “The How-To Channel,” you will learn how to do random stuff. How to sew on a button. How to fix a dishwasher. How to fold clothes. How to upgrade your phone. I feel like at the end of a long day, I’d like nothing more than to sit and have a drink and watch some cool educational content.
Flavortown TV – Are there ever times you feel like rollin’ out, lookin’ for America’s greatest Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives? Let’s be real, most of the time that’s all we feel like doing. On Friday and Saturday nights, the Food Network shows episodes of Triple-D on a loop, and I inevitably find myself tuning in and then not flipping the channel for a few hours, as Guy Fieri takes us on a trip deep into the heart of Flavortown.
The genius of Triple D is that the shows are kinda interchangeable. You have Guy pulling up in his convertible, dressed like Ed Hardy, cracking jokes, eating good food. It’s a good time! Why not have it all the time? You could if you subscribed to Flavortown TV. Let’s roll out!
Blooper TV – I know “AFV” has been on ABC for decades now, in large part because it’s always funny to watch someone fall over. Why not forget the hosts and banal banter and just build a network around this stuff. The content is free, thanks to everyone having a cell phone these days. Just load up clip after clip after clip of people falling over. It’s not the most intellectually stimulating content, sure, but it’s almost always good for a laugh.
Movies by the Decade – I subscribe to satellite radio, and some of the initial channels when you turn it on are music by the eras: ‘80s on 8; ‘90s on 9; etc. I assume they’re at the top of the lineup because they’re among the most popular channels.
All this got me thinking, why don’t we do the same for movies? Why isn’t there an ‘80s or ‘90s movie channel, with all the great movies from those eras? You wouldn’t crash on the couch and watch Gremlins and Weird Science back-to-back? Back to the Future and The Goonies? This seems like such a no-brainer, I’m surprised it doesn’t exist already.
Breathe Easy – There are many audio apps available which focus on mindfulness, and many feature different guided meditations. They’re usually 8-10 minutes long, and no matter the goal, they’re all pretty similar in practice: some breathing exercises, some thought exercises, then you open your eyes and go on about your day.
What if there was a television network dedicated to relaxing? The visuals could all be scenes from nature—sunsets, oceans, rain forests. Every once in a while you could have guided meditations, but usually you could just live with gorgeous visuals and lovely natural sounds. At the very least, you wouldn’t want to take a nap with this on in the background?
The Brooding Network – I’m not a regular crime drama viewer, but my wife and Mom seem to be constantly finding new shows on Netflix or PBS, something imported from various European countries, mostly Norse. They’re all dark and moody and rainy and subtitled and, at least to me, they seem mostly interchangeable. They have brooding, mysterious titles like “The Lake,” “Fields of Moss,” “Dark Tides,” and about half the shows have an umlaut in the title. If there was ever a network for these kinds of shows, this would be it.
Takeshi’s Network – It was about fifteen years ago, and we had just arrived in Prague early one morning. We were beat from transcontinental travel, and we managed to check into our hotel room and crash. But before I could drift off, I flipped on the TV and found a Japanese show called “Takeshi’s Castle,” which was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
It was a high concept show designed to embarrass the people involved. One hundred contestants all tried various physical challenges, ostensibly to try and storm a castle belonging to a man named Takeshi, who was inside watching on closed circuit television, at least from what I could tell. What made it funny was that most of the contestants were not particularly athletic, and the result was plenty of hilarious crashes and falls.
The show has since been dubbed into English and aired on various networks, and that show “Wipeout” is pretty much the same thing, but less funny. My son and I love watching old episodes of “Takeshi’s Castle” on Youtube.
Published on Jun 08, 2020
Related content
