Lang’s World: A Special MUSCLEWATCH Christmas
Lang WhitakerYou better watch out, you better not cry! I’m making a list and checking it twice! Because it is time once again, for the annual rite that basketball Hall of Famer David Aldridge recently referred to as “a tradition like no other.” That’s right kids, it’s time for MUSCLEWATCH!
Except this year, the muscles are being delivered in December, in a sleigh by a big man wearing red—who incidentally would almost surely qualify for MUSCLEWATCH himself, thanks to the copious amounts of cookies and milk he downs each year around this time.
What, you may ask, is MUSCLEWATCH? The short answer is that MUSCLEWATCH is a phenomenon sweeping the NBA world. The long answer is that MUSCLEWATCH is something my friend Matt and I started about two decades ago, when we were unemployed and had nothing better to do than read every word of the sports section of the newspaper each day. We noticed that when training camps started for each sport, there inevitably seemed to be a player who arrived from the offseason break having added “15 pounds of muscle.” It was never five pounds, never 17 pounds, but always, hilariously, “15 pounds of muscle.”
Since then, MUSCLEWATCH has evolved, much like an actual muscle, into sort of a catch-all place to track changes in weights and heights all around the NBA. Reporters from all over the NBA have graciously done most of the work for us, dutifully asking players about their shapes when they report to training camp and tagging it with #MUSCLEWATCH. Somehow, this dumb thing my buddy and I invented in our old apartment has become a staple of the NBA, and I couldn’t be prouder.
This season, with training camps being mostly virtual, it’s been tougher to put these guys to the eye test. Also, having players report to training camp right after Thanksgiving may have upped weights by a pound here or there.
Let’s get to watching…
In a MUSCLEWATCH first, we have a mountain on the list! As a longtime MUSCLEWATCH friend of the program points out, Mt. Everest has a new official height…
Somehow, over the last few decades, ol’ Everest has apparently grown about three feet taller. That just shows the true dedication to constant improvement that has always made Mt. Everest one of the best in the game. Congrats to Mt. Everest! Stay on your grind!
One of the most reported MUSCLEWATCH stories this preseason has been in Oakland San Francisco, where Andrew Wiggins showed up looking rather swole. Wiggins downplayed any significant change when speaking to the media, a classic MUSCLEWATCH manuever…
Photographs don’t lie, though, and judging by the eye test, Wiggins does seem much more filled out…
The internet being the glorious place that it is, a few Wiggins photoshops have emerged that perhaps exaggerate his size change just a bit…
(Side note: It’s kinda crazy that Wiggins is still just 25 years old, right? It feels like he’s been in the NBA for a decade at this point.)
Another popular name in MUSCLEWATCH circles this preseason has been Shake Milton, the Philly guard who worked his way into the starting lineup down in the bubble. Oddly, we have competing reports from Sixers camp regarding Milton.
According to this Sixers reporter, Milton has added 12-13 pounds of muscle since last season…
Meanwhile, this reporter says Milton has added 13-14 pounds…
We’re only a pound off, obviously, but I feel like it’s worth noting the disparity for the sake of MUSCLEWATCH accuracy.
Also, we definitely need to start calling him “Protein” Shake Milton, right?
Cleveland’s Darius Garland has reportedly added 20 pounds of muscle, which, if accurate, would make him a contender for MUSCLEWATCH winner this offseason. Is it accurate? Who knows!
Grind City Media’s own Devin Walker weighed in with an anecdotal observation about our own Ja Morant after the Grizzlies’ first preseason game…
By sleeve pulls, Devin is referring to how last season Ja was so skinny that he was constantly having to pull up the compression sleeve on his arm. We know he’s been working out, but maybe all that Ramen is working and Ja has started to bulk up just a bit?
Keeping our focus here in Memphis, we have some MUSCLEWATCH news about Jaren Jackson Jr., which was brought to our attention by ace MUSCLEWATCH reporter Dillon Brooks…
Do we have any official confirmation on this? No. Do we need official confirmation to include news like this on MUSCLEWATCH? No, no we do not.
In similar news, Denver’s Bol Bol says he hasn’t checked when asked if there’s been any change in his MUSCLEWATCH status…
He hasn’t been checking? These darn millennials are so entitled!
One last bit of Grizzlies MUSCLEWATCH news, this time involving two-way player Killian Tillie, who has added a lot of muscle since he was a kid, I think?
Actually, if Tillie was the same size now that he was when he was a kid, I don’t think he’d be in the NBA today. Observations like this are why I’m a MUSCLEWATCH expert, by the way.
I’ve had a few reports from up north that Raptors swingman OG Anunoby should make the list, mostly dispatches from the eye testers…
HOWEVER! As veteran musclewatcher Eric Koreen reports, according to Anunoby, there’s no actual weight change…
Perhaps OG shifted some things around, muscle weighing more than fat and whatnot? And as always, when the Raptors are involved, we also must factor in the Canadian MUSCLEWATCH exchange rate.
Another popular name on the MUSCLEWATCH nice list this season has been Minnesota’s Jarrett Culver, who actually confirmed that he belongs on MUSCLEWATCH.
We also have video evidence of the “yolked” Culver, who is now so strong he can dribble two basketballs at once!
In what may be another first, we have some coaching MUSCLEWATCH news, as Atlanta Hawks coach Lloyd Pierce self-reported a change…
(Just for whatever it’s worth, I’ve never been one of those people who has to use a workout facility to GAIN weight. Must be nice!)
No, Cooking With Lang will not help your MUSCLEWATCH status…
Sacramento Kings rookie guard Tyrese Haliburton says he has gained 17 pounds of muscle since finishing his college season. Impressive!
This weird stock market website says Dallas rookie Tyrell Terry (shouts to Brevin Knight!) has gained twenty pounds of muscle and grown an inch since finishing his lone college season. Hey, if a stock market website is reporting MUSCLEWATCH news, I suppose we should listen. Sell high!
Wizards forward Rui Hachimura has added 10 pounds from where he was a year ago…
Here’s some visual proof, although a reader passed it along to point out supposed growth from Wizards big man Mo Wagner…
(By the way, I love this picture because of the poses. “OK guys, stand there and look natural.”)
In other growing news, looks like up in Boston, Jayson Tatum can’t stop won’t stop…
Finally, I don’t know much about Denver reserve Vlatko Cancar, but in this article he admits that while he has worked extremely hard in the weight room, he has not added 70 pounds of muscle.
Most importantly, Cancar says he’s taking a practical view this season in terms of playing time: “If I deserve to play a role, I will. If not, then I guess not.”
If only we could all be so well-adjusted.
Published on Dec 14, 2020
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